Communication Triage

How long? Oh, how long?!!!

How long have we been in this house “alone together?”

Not since March 9, 2020 has anyone crossed our front door sill. Just us.

Spraying the grocery bags with a bleach and water mix, and letting the bags sit for hours before we wash off each grocery item and store them in the pantry and/or refrigerator.

Washing our hands every twenty minutes.

Down to our last 4-pack of Bounty paper towels!

Cooking. I hate those cooking channels! The chefs are way too cheery! The dishes look beautiful. The cooks are dressed to impress and their aprons never get dirty. And who wears aprons anymore?!!! And when do they clean-up the kitchen?!!!

Working out is running up and down the stairs to the attic for yoga and then up and back about 50 times ‘til I’m ready to pass out!

Our biological clocks are not in synch. I’m awake at 4:30 am. Willie stirs about 7:30 am.

Ha! But today, instead of heading to the attic gym, I cuddle next to his warm sleeping body while grabbing Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages. I’m looking for new insights.

The 5 love languages are of no interest to my husband!

What?!! Why?!!!

Willie’s ability to connect with me, to make me feel valued and loved is instinctive! He does it automatically! He knows what to say when to say it and the actions needed to reinforce his words!

He says he can’t get “his head around” the 5 love languages.

Wait. So, what is wrong with me? I need a couple of minutes!  It’s not that easy for me.

I’ve learned volumes after the mistakes of my first marriage. Counseling. Self-analysis. Reading countless personal development books. Learning about who I am. I really believe it’s working for me.

Effortless, effective communication was not effortless or very effective for me! I work hard at it and I’m grateful for my second chance!

So, I’m very intentional with my actions and my communication to show Willie that I love, care and appreciate him.

I’m always reading and looking for ideas, principles, and strategies on how to make my marriage even more wonderful than it is!

And frankly, if you’re honest with yourself, there are probably many more people like me than Willie. I struggle to communicate the depth of my commitment, gratitude, and love, for my communication style leaves a lot to be desired!

I’m an introvert. And many folks assume introverts are socially awkward, but I don’t believe that. We just don’t handle social stimulation as well as extroverts, like Willie. But we’re good listeners, and often watch from the sidelines and take mental notes before we insert ourselves into social situations.

Introverts are good at studying information. We really do believe knowledge is power. This desire to study everything has caused me to be awake this 5 am Sunday, reading Chapman’s 5 Love Languages while Willie begins to snore!

While I’m not a fan of small talk, it doesn’t mean I can’t engage in deep, meaningful conversation. That’s why I’m reading all the time, looking for new information, new insights that I can share when the right opportunity presents itself.

I’ve got to mull over everything before I say it though!

And now with COVID19 and distancing, I realize I’m uncomfortable on all these Zoom calls too! You’re supposed to “jump in” and make your point.  I’m too polite and want to say “excuse me, please!”

All this social banter leaves me drained. And to top it off, I have no sense of humor! I just don’t get it.

Sigh, I’m in bed, next to my husband reading. Why I am reading this book again? Because I want Willie to be as excited about the love languages as I am!

Understanding your spouse’s love language can bring more love, harmony and deeper meaning to your marriage.

But since he’s got a short attention span, and is really not interested in reading the book, I decided to come up with a simplified the formula I could remember and use in conversations when discussing the importance of knowing and understanding your spouse’s love language.

Here it is – “TTAGS.”

Time

Touch

Affirmations

Gifts

Service

“TTAGS.” We can all remember that! Right? Why is knowing your spouse’s love language such a big deal?

Years of research by Dr. Chapman revealed what he calls “love tanks.” How do we know we are loved? Love must be demonstrated in the language that the intended recipient can understand!

When you give me love in my language–French if I’m speaking French, Japanese if that’s my language, or whatever, then I recognize that you love me and my desire for love and attention is filled up. And I’m content!

Dr. Chapman begs the question: If you have no clue as to what makes your spouse feel loved, then how can you show them the love that they need? Wow!

Are you showing love to your spouse in the way they recognize it as love?

Let’s unpack this “TTAGS.”

Time means being with your spouse and giving your undivided attention to them. Watching television, reading a magazine, and listening to your spouse, all at the same time, is not quality time!

Touch is showing affection from putting a hand on your mate’s shoulder as you walk by, holding hands while you’re walking, to kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse. You demonstrate the physical love language of touching when you take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

Affirmation is communicating positive personal sentiments. If your spouse’s primary love language is words of affirmation, your verbal praise and appreciation will nourish their spirit and make them feel wonderful about themselves. And feel wonderful about you for having said them!

Gifts mean something tangible that serves as a symbol of love and caring. Giving gifts is universal, but for some, receiving gifts is their primary love language! It’s the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. If you’re married to someone whose primary love language is gift-giving, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on all the special days and “no occasion” days. Those gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it’s that you are thinking of them!

Service requires actions that must have planning and forethought. For many spouses, your actions are much louder than your words! If this is your spouse’s love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

“Communication Triage” is what I call this!

We’re cooped up with this COVID19.

How about starting a “soft conversation” about your love language? Ask your spouse what you can do to show them that you love them. What would make their “love tank” full? The answers may pleasantly surprise you!

Dr. Gary Chapman’s, The 5 Love Languages, is an excellent resource for couples.

And if only one of you reads it, that person can “gently ease those enlightened concepts” into their relationship! It could work wonders, especially when you’re coop-up together, alone, with no place to go!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

PS: Join us on Mondays at 9:00 pm EST on Facebook Live for “Happily Married Mondays with the Jolleys. Create your own “Watch Party” and invite your friends and family to watch!