With the holidays approaching, my thoughts go back to my youth and the feelings I had to learn to control when faced with dinner with obnoxious relatives!
By Dee Taylor-Jolley
My heart started to pound faster, as I saw Uncle Ashton move from the kitchen area to approach us as we entered the glass paned front door of his cottage. He was hosting his Deacon’s Dinner. He was the chairman of the Deacon’s Board.
Uncle Ashton and Aunt Bertha, proudly hosted this annual affair, serving country Smithfield ham, fried chicken, pork roast, potato salad, greens, and sweet potato pies with the real China, glass stem wear and cloth napkins.
My Dad, Uncle Ashton’s brother, Mom and the two of us kids (my brother Junior and I) were always in tow. Dressed in our Sunday best, Junior and I looked out of the corner of our eyes at each other, as we knew what was coming! Uncle Ashton liked to engage us young folks in controversial topics during dinner.
He was always trying to bate us to disagree on something. His comments were often crazy. He loved to start an argument! And of course, we had to show respect to our elders and deflect his foolish comments.
As young teens, my brother and I learned (often by trial and error) how not to offend our relatives or put our feet in our months. We feared the discipline of our parents! That’s a blood pressure-raising thought – to this day!
The holidays are here. Walmart has decorated trees and tons of Christmas candy. As I mentally prepare to attend the office parties, community events and business year end functions, nothing gives me more pause than family holiday dinners.
We all have that family member who brags to everyone how well they’re doing. Then there are old sibling rivalries, (who has the better job, bigger house, the newest sport car, the smartest kids), plus different views on religion and certainly, varying political ideologies! And since no one knows you better than family (think Uncle Ashton), they know all the right buttons to press to get under your skin!
Orchestrated Pleasant Communication
We believe the key to navigating successful holiday dinners is to orchestrate (prepare/plan) the pleasant communication between the parties.
And how on earth can anyone do that?!!
Well, I have some suggestions for you:
- First, decide whose house you will visit for holiday dinners. Bring up this subject at least a month or more before the holidays. Consider alternating houses by year or holiday. Have dinner at your own home and invite both sides of the family with each bringing their favorite dish. Or have dinner with one family and desert with another – if in the same city.
- Celebrate with a “pre” dinner – during off peak times, several weeks before the holidays. This way, family members can still have their own time at their homes. The first Saturday in November, Willie and I attend a large extended family holiday party!
- Establish ground rules. For example, say: “we’re focusing on gratitude this holiday season. With so much negativity in the world, we are thankful to be together as a family. Now, everyone get ready to share at least 2 things you are grateful for and explain why, as we call your name.”
- Decide to establish a new tradition by sharing an accomplishment of family members, whether big or small. If you can focus on the good there is less time to argue.
- If the conversation moves into unpleasant territory, as the host, or even as a guest, be prepared with safe conversation changers and diffusers – quickly.
Here are some phrases that Family Mediator Laurie Puhn (www.lauriepuhn.com) suggest:“Let’s wait on this until we have more information.”
“Thank you for your opinion. I’ll think about it.”
“Let me get back to you.”
“That’s interesting.” Smile and quickly change the subject.
- Pick your battles! Learn to smile and keep your opinions to yourself! Uncle Ashton would try to push my buttons with trigger words or phrases like: “You young people got all that book learning but no common sense! Wait until you have to go to work.”Or, “Why do your parents spend money on tennis shoes? If you had a garden out back, you’d get all the exercise you need!”
Or “College isn’t for everyone. You should get a job like I did.”
While those phrases would cause my blood pressure to rise and make me “hot under the collar,” holding my tongue and being pleasant to Uncle Ashton made me feel I was in control of me.
We never know why others feel the need to irritate us; but this one thing I do know…we can control our words and actions. And that can make for very pleasant holiday gatherings!
About Dee Taylor- Jolley
Dee Taylor-Jolley is the C.O.O. of Willie Jolley Worldwide. She is also the Chief Learning Officer for Jolley University, which is the training and development division of Willie Jolley Worldwide.
Before working with her husband, Dee was a high school teacher, a corporate trainer and a congressional aide. As an educator, she was honored as a Teacher of the Year with the DC Public Schools. She was a trainer for American Management Association and the training director for the National Association of Home Builders. She went on to serve as a staff member to several Members of Congress.
She holds a BA in Political Science from Howard University and a Master’s Degree in Curriculum Design from The Catholic University of America.
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